NYC Survival, Summer Guide for New New Yorkers, V1 PT2

DLH-Empire views -2018

This Summer

Forgive the New New Yorkers

for they know not what they do

But if it happens again remind them,

with the illist of mirth, roasting them

as your sons under the sun

with horizontal incinerating hand 👋🏾🔥🔥

down from their head with your accented mouth

to land on whatever those are on their feet ,

like they do so gracefully in the south

 

Let them know that hiking shoes in the summer is a no go

Unless you’re taking a deep hike out of this concrete playground

Let um know that because the AC in the train is high

You put on quarter length socks with branded sandals

Like a fútbol player taking a long break at halftime

 

When they seem perplexed and angry at you,

ironically flaunting shorts and Tims in this humidity

Let um know they keep you cool and improve traction during jay walking

Where you immediately make a hypotenuse 📐

but later walk the shortest distance

Where sometimes you hastily cut across to avoid being hit up

Or stomp down slowly, swaying and smirking

like a proud preschooler reporting no Fs were given!

 

Let um know that wheat and leather on foot

Is also how you avoid dirt in the park

That that branded tree,

let’s the rats and other summertime rodents know

you ain’t nothing to mess with

That said, make sure to reinforce the lesson

that despite all this glowing stylo dripping

this sweat inducing indulgence is uniquely yours

And that common sense is still the more pervasive choice

By way of netted chancletas, sneakers of all lengths and boat shoes

whose laces unfold like the indecisive pouting arms of spoiled children

And on to the not, be sure to warn

Despite the love shown to pre-owned things

under no condition should they take up

The plastic covered bed  in decent shape

sitting on the sidewalk for all to see!👀

And to see is to believe,

So prompt them to look closer if they doubt the warning

Hastily invite them to a Frio Frio on the corner

Tell um know it’s harmless despite the vampire lips

Which if they don’t feel, tell um

to place the cash and pull the resilient string of la vecina’s dumbwaiter

rappelling down the window with that homemade coconut treat

And if they still not with the shits

tell um where to look in the bodega for Mamacitas Ices

After all that sit um down by the gusting hydrant you just opened

Using the beat from the ice cream truck

Inquire on how they would approach Montana’s living insult

perusing food labels in their kitchen at night?

Tell them the story of how a few summers ago

Movie theaters became the domain

for warring factions of bed bugs

In that vein them um the power of jabón de cuaba

for laundry and those visiting friends with questionable hygiene

Take this time to warn them that a new wave of

Rompers, inverted short shorts, and scantily clad summer dresses

May be received with the often-undesired harmonics of catcalling

which despite continued efforts remain

like the smoking embers at the park BBQ’s end

 

Find out if they like to try the summer nightlife,

Inquire on how advanced their club math is

Do they know the 2 males to every female ratio?

That the probability of entering is increased by

getting to the club earlier and the addition of women

All subject to the effects of attire, shoe wear and fit

Follow up to ask, whether they knew the formula is completely void

upon quote “attractive” one(s) being removed from the equation

Or that even if they’re almost let in, they still might have a problem in some places,

if rolling as a coterie of people of many hues and diverse Asian ancestries,

warn them that there might be, a surprise surcharge just before the dance floor

Illustrate on nearby tree, on how to say no thanks or when rejected plie,

curtsey or say f*ck you -without saying f*ck you- with grace

note that despite the disproval or mal treatment at the door

the bouncer is often just a messenger, The prejudice façade

 

And where they do get passed this gatekeeper

Be sure they know to tread with care on that rooftop

where the static faces of totem like men and sedentary women

Sometimes stare wildly at your dancing joy

That said, they just might be chill and inebriated people

And if you stare back at just the right moment

you just might catch a twostep in progress

So don’t mind them,

watch out for those quick to anger-mines tho

Who trigger when stepped on even by accident! 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♂️

Move through the space with purpose and politeness

Politely inspect 🔬 and reject drinks tinted with finagled intents

Show clenched restraint with cash for those loosely looking to finesse you

Order for yourself at the bar with phone showing

Your no soy pendejo tipsy drink request in large text

Proceed to dance like you’re looking for a battle to the beat

but remember how this is NYC, there’s not much space

 

And when it’s time to leave by flashing lights, dwindling fun, or smacked fatigue

Listen past the fading ringing to your stomach’s request on where to

Head next is the diner for that somewhat quite hash brown delight

Where that newly narcoleptic friend should not have too many photos taken

or penises drawn on their face with their food

Go to the Cuchifritos truck or the super bodega

for that fried longaniza and batata remedy

make way to those halal guys who are always looking out for you,

just look at that price, tasty food and red sauce warning that

you may have to make a line at the friet shop

The price of queuing around for invaluable extra sauce

Or just head to that pizza spot on the corner not too far

Eat up all that grease on the spot, take it in a bag in the taxi or don’t

drop it on the platform

You know why, they should know to

not fall asleep on the train wih headphones in, be alarmed

estimating how long it will take nap shifts

with your vigilant NYC friend

Who won’t hesitate to fight if need be

But if losing knows not to pull the brake

Make your aware awake-self ass up the stairs,

Attempt to open door to bed the potential headache

count your blessings for surviving the night

Be ready for the park the next day

 

Note:

Roast(ing) like comedy roast

AC: Air Conditioning

vecina (Esp) neighbor (femine)

finagle, obtaining something dishonestly or acting in a devious manner

friet (NL, BE): fries

no soy pendejo (Esp):  I’m not gullable, stupid, oblivious to the game being run

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